I was a newly married computer technician, just under 24 years old, when I was drafted into the Army and spent 10 months, three weeks, and two days in our most divisive conflict of the twentieth century. I describe my experiences in the harsh jungle environment of South Vietnam, the constant struggles and setbacks I underwent after returning home, and the treatment I eventually received that loosened the grip of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Following a year of training, including 22 weeks at NCO School, I was promoted to the rank of sergeant and given a reporting date for departure to Vietnam. However, an unexpected family health crisis resulted in a 30-day emergency leave that delayed my departure until ten days after the birth of my daughter. Upon arriving in Vietnam I was assigned to the First Cavalry Division as a squad leader with a newly-formed reconnaissance company, and later transferred to the Brigade Civil Affairs Unit as the NCO-In-Charge, where I also participated in air missions with the attached Psychological Operations (Psyops) Unit. I describe my experiences from both an objective and emotional perspective, including such traumatic events as my first firefight, being on the receiving end of friendly fire, and getting shot down while on an air mission. I also describe how very different the challenges we faced in Vietnam were from those of previous wars.
I made it home with no physical injuries, but not without psychological wounds; the war transformed me into a different person, and PTSD became an influencing factor in my life. It was only by blocking out Vietnam and the traumatic memories that I was able to function in a reasonably normal manner. Those memories got buried so deep it was almost as though I had never been in Vietnam. I had initially returned to my computer job with IBM, and after a number of job changes and location moves I settled into a very satisfying career as the director of a highly regarded technical school.
But 16 years after my discharge, a late-night phone call from a Vietnam buddy led to my life getting turned completely upside down. My inability to remember the caller, the events he said I participated in, or the names of men he said we both worked closely with left me confused and upset. I became obsessed with trying to remember him or any of my Vietnam experiences, causing months of sleepless nights and diminished productivity at work. I finally remembered the guy, which led to many of my buried memories slowly resurfacing. And the more I remembered, the more my PTSD intensified, unleashing a chain of devastating results; serious work-related and family problems, bankruptcy, depression, a suicide attempt, and a mental breakdown.
Yet, in spite of displaying all the classic symptoms of post traumatic stress, it was almost 10 more years before I was correctly diagnosed with the disorder. Even the psychologist who treated me after my attempted suicide did not pick up on it. It was only through a chance encounter with another Vietnam veteran, also in the First Cavalry Division, that led me to a local VA Vet Center, and finally into psychological therapy specifically for combat PTSD. But even then, it wasn’t until a number of years later when I got into group therapy with other combat veterans that my life finally began to take a significant turn for the better. There is no cure for PTSD so it will always be with me, but group therapy helped me learn how to minimize its effects enough to resume a relatively normal life.
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